I have a tender heart.
I have known this.
It is how I am affected when others around me are hurting. It is why I am unable to watch certain amounts of violence involving people hurting people. It is why I do not like doing actions/decisions that hurt others even when not doing/making them will hurt even more. It is why how constructive criticism is said to me matters - I take things close to my heart, regardless if they are directly related to me or not.
As I have gotten older, I have learned to not to take everything personally. Not that I did, but I am better at how I allow things to affect me. Things may still hurt, but I take them like a grain of salt and move on with life. At times, I take things that I want to ponder on some more and put them aside until I have the time to dwell on it. Sunday and today I have realized that there are quite a few things I have put to the side to ponder later and it has become a little full...
In no particular order...
My friend's death. I opted to catch up on sleep instead of going to the memorial service, which with my crying as I am talking about it - I think was a good choice for me. I have not been around the people that knew him well or directly talked with them and my heart is still aching. Can you imagine how my empathy would be if I were actually with them instead of seeing their thoughts on Facebook?!
At church, the speaker talked on how the person who led him to Christ died at a young age when they were both in the church pastoral ministry. He stated that he still did not understand why it was his friend and not himself. Now, I DO NOT have a death wish and I do know that I am a gem (at least, most days...lol). However, I take a look at my life and do not see how I have impacted people or shared my belief in Christ with others. I wonder why I am not the one gone when my friend was actually doing that.
Yes, I do know that Jesus has a plan for my life and that God had a plan for my friend and it may or may not have included him dying when he did. I'm sure that Jesus has used me to impact peoples' lives that I will never know. I guess what I am questioning is why he would go when he was actually sharing his belief in Christ and I'm not sure I have been. I say I have a heart for missions, but have not led anyone to Jesus with words. Who knows, maybe my servant's heart and letting Jesus flow through me while I am serving has, but I just don't know. I can start doing this, but in job settings and such - there is a line that you need to be careful of and am unsure how to not cross it...hence my feeling that I need to ponder this.
My "soothe the hurting world" complex. It hurts my heart that there are people hurting. Hearing about the devastation of the Philippines and the lives lost... My friend's baby who is in a coma from an interrupted SIDs...Someone from my church has a baby undergoing open heart surgery...Someone from my home group is going through cancer treatment... I have this desire to love on others and let them know they are not alone - and have no idea how to go about doing this.
Debt and money issues - I HATE being in debt. I am picking up hours and calling to work as I am able, but I have hardly made a dent in it despite watching how much I am spending on things not necessary. I have a few things coming up that I need to pay for as well in addition to my debt, which is becoming overwhelming if I dwell on it too much. I still feel like I am able to take care of it all, but I do not have much time to work/solve the problem now (not that it needs to be, but would be helpful) and it is frustrating. It also does not help when people express how much I need to do when I am already overwhelmed. I wish people would instead encourage and believe in me.
Peace Corps - I have come to the decision that I cannot make any decisions until I am told something differently from Jesus, which may not be communicated until May or June. I am ok with this...its just the dissidence that I have recently received, mostly involving my conversation with a friend last week that I have not taken the time to process yet, which is the next topic.
Relationships - This friend mentioned the time frame that I have not been interested in beginning a romantic relationship. Maybe I do not really have to think on it because I do not feel there has been one that occurred that I should have been open to, but he expressed concern that if it happened - I still would not be open to it. I don't know, I mean...I think I would be open to it, but at the same time maybe I wouldn't because of the direction it looks like my life is going. Honestly, it really shouldn't be an issue I think, but it is because I do want to be sure that I am open to what God has for me.
The bottom line is that it bothers me that someone thinks I am being closed to something that God may or may not have for me at this moment.
Above all else, I want to follow God's lead - wherever that is. If that means staying where I am, I'll do that even though it is not my first choice. Ultimately, my heart wants to please Jesus and my greatest fear is that I am not doing that or going down the right path.
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