I got an opportunity to talk with a friend of mine that has heard me verbal process through God's direction to the Peace Corps. She was actually the one that helped me when I was confused after my interview and being given options to choose between nomination places.
See, in my interview, I had said that the job I did was the most important, then place, and timing. When I was given the choice between being nominated for Nepal or Fiji...Fiji was the one that I liked the job more over Nepal, but I wanted to choose Nepal because it was a place I had been wanting to go for 8 years (as well as Russia, though I hadn't really talked about wanting to go to Nepal). Long story short, I felt at one time I was going to Nepal, but it was not God's timing. Russia is the country I have a heart for.
My friend walked me through a few questions that I don't really remember or the conclusion except that ultimately, I wanted to go to serve people and that I'd be happy wherever I was placed because I would be serving others. Just because I had a preference of place over the job at the time did not mean that I still would prefer place over the job. I don't know if that even made sense, but in essence - my friend helped me reconcile my confusion.
This time, she helped me to see that my past annoyances with people talking about how I was "marching to my own drumbeat" and "been wanting to do this for a long time". God has a calling on my life that is taking me to do things that do not seem normal for others. It is not necessarily because others do not see the hand of God directing my paths, but that it is not something they may be able to understand because God may not have called them to go. Again, I don't know if this makes sense, but once again I am more reconciled to it. However, I still DO plan on posting a status on Facebook to inform people that I am following God's will for my life and not my own.
I have gone through many seasons in my life. YWAM, I knew I was supposed to go. Afterwards? I knew God had told me to stay in KS despite my desire to go so I did. Time went on and I began to truly appreciate where I was in my life and thankful I was in KS. Not much later, I felt God release me to go. It BLEW my mind that it was finally time, but I went to Australia. I came back and took a year to myself. I was led to go back to school and finally complete my degree. Now? I'm being told to go again.
These past few years being back, God has been preparing me for such a time as this. This next stage of my life? All my love and overflowing preparation will be released and I can finally completely focus on my purpose in life - to love others!
I need to figure out why I cringe when I hear "You've wanted this a long time"...
I take that back, I DO know why...
I seem to have made it appear that this is something I wanted to do, which it is - but first and foremost I have wanted to do God's will. I talked about it because I felt it was the direction that He was leading, but it seems that either I didn't convey it that well or others focused on how I talked about the Peace Corps rather than how I said I felt it was where God was leading me.
I'm sure people don't think that I am going just because I want to. Well, maybe some do but the ones that understand seeking God's will hopefully know that I have searched for His will and am following His direction.
It bothers me because I don't want this opportunity to be seen as something I wanted to do. Yes, I wanted to do it, but this was after a heart change from God. If He had led me somewhere else -I would have gone THAT direction rather than the Peace Corps.
While I haven't posted on this blog in awhile due to my starting one on another site - I had planned on keeping this one so I could express more God things. It is times like these as well that I realize that having this is a good thing for the times I want to verbal process and no one is available.
I was talking with my boss this week and he mentioned something that I semi sort of agreed with, but was too in shock at the time to really wrap my head around it. Apparently, my mom once thought that she didn't know where I would end up until she realized that I marched to my own drumbeat. (She must have mentioned this to him while she was in the hospital.) My boss then proceeded to say I did things my own way, which I do agree with because really...who cares how it gets down as long as it gets done?!
I mentioned to a friend what my mom said about marching to my own drumbeat not too long ago and he agreed that I did. This is what gives me pause and why I semi sort agree with this statement. I am disturbed by it being said because with this whole Peace Corps thing - I have prayed and been seeking God in it. I did not just choose to do this and went for it. Heck, even after God had told me I was choosing the safe option of missions when I was leaning more towards that instead of the Peace Corps...I still had it in my mind that I was going to do missions!
I don't really know what to do about this, but I do know that next time someone says I march to my own drumbeat - I WILL make sure to state that I march to God's drumbeat for my life!
For the past couple weeks, I thought I had been doing better until I began talking about my friend's death and tears occurred. A couple days later, in class we talked briefly on what to do in student death and tears just kept coming. I set up appointments to talk with people, but it wasn't until I talked with my pastor that he was able to put words to what I have been feeling.
I have a tender heart and love people.
Since I have been in school and unable to work much - I have not been able to share my love for people through service (as that is primarily how I show others love).
My heart has been full for sometime and it has been frustrating for me with my constraints that I am unable to share my heart in service. This will change soon, but just knowing why I have been so emotional has helped very much.
This time in my life, I am in preparation. My full heart is anticipating when it can be released like a runner prepping for a race. :-D I can feel my spirit welling up within me as I type this! lol There will be a time when my race will start (not that it hasn't already, but a stage of my race rather) and when that signal goes off - I will be able to expel my heart and share the love of Christ that is in my heart for people!
I do think I will end up doing the Peace Corps. While I haven't received something I would call a definite yes...while talking with my pastor, I felt no hesitancy when he stated my doing the Peace Corps. My heart is still open to whatever He has for me if it ends up not being the direction He wants me to go, but in the meantime...I will more than likely be out of the States for 27 months!
I have a bunch of things that I should be doing, but I'm not. I'm listening to worship music and thinking/blogging in hopes of finally processing everything whirling around my head. Hopefully it will work 'cause I really do need to start my projects that are due next week.
I have a tender heart.
I have known this.
It is how I am affected when others around me are hurting. It is why I am unable to watch certain amounts of violence involving people hurting people. It is why I do not like doing actions/decisions that hurt others even when not doing/making them will hurt even more. It is why how constructive criticism is said to me matters - I take things close to my heart, regardless if they are directly related to me or not.
As I have gotten older, I have learned to not to take everything personally. Not that I did, but I am better at how I allow things to affect me. Things may still hurt, but I take them like a grain of salt and move on with life. At times, I take things that I want to ponder on some more and put them aside until I have the time to dwell on it. Sunday and today I have realized that there are quite a few things I have put to the side to ponder later and it has become a little full...
In no particular order...
My friend's death. I opted to catch up on sleep instead of going to the memorial service, which with my crying as I am talking about it - I think was a good choice for me. I have not been around the people that knew him well or directly talked with them and my heart is still aching. Can you imagine how my empathy would be if I were actually with them instead of seeing their thoughts on Facebook?!
At church, the speaker talked on how the person who led him to Christ died at a young age when they were both in the church pastoral ministry. He stated that he still did not understand why it was his friend and not himself. Now, I DO NOT have a death wish and I do know that I am a gem (at least, most days...lol). However, I take a look at my life and do not see how I have impacted people or shared my belief in Christ with others. I wonder why I am not the one gone when my friend was actually doing that.
Yes, I do know that Jesus has a plan for my life and that God had a plan for my friend and it may or may not have included him dying when he did. I'm sure that Jesus has used me to impact peoples' lives that I will never know. I guess what I am questioning is why he would go when he was actually sharing his belief in Christ and I'm not sure I have been. I say I have a heart for missions, but have not led anyone to Jesus with words. Who knows, maybe my servant's heart and letting Jesus flow through me while I am serving has, but I just don't know. I can start doing this, but in job settings and such - there is a line that you need to be careful of and am unsure how to not cross it...hence my feeling that I need to ponder this.
My "soothe the hurting world" complex. It hurts my heart that there are people hurting. Hearing about the devastation of the Philippines and the lives lost... My friend's baby who is in a coma from an interrupted SIDs...Someone from my church has a baby undergoing open heart surgery...Someone from my home group is going through cancer treatment... I have this desire to love on others and let them know they are not alone - and have no idea how to go about doing this.
Debt and money issues - I HATE being in debt. I am picking up hours and calling to work as I am able, but I have hardly made a dent in it despite watching how much I am spending on things not necessary. I have a few things coming up that I need to pay for as well in addition to my debt, which is becoming overwhelming if I dwell on it too much. I still feel like I am able to take care of it all, but I do not have much time to work/solve the problem now (not that it needs to be, but would be helpful) and it is frustrating. It also does not help when people express how much I need to do when I am already overwhelmed. I wish people would instead encourage and believe in me.
Peace Corps - I have come to the decision that I cannot make any decisions until I am told something differently from Jesus, which may not be communicated until May or June. I am ok with this...its just the dissidence that I have recently received, mostly involving my conversation with a friend last week that I have not taken the time to process yet, which is the next topic.
Relationships - This friend mentioned the time frame that I have not been interested in beginning a romantic relationship. Maybe I do not really have to think on it because I do not feel there has been one that occurred that I should have been open to, but he expressed concern that if it happened - I still would not be open to it. I don't know, I mean...I think I would be open to it, but at the same time maybe I wouldn't because of the direction it looks like my life is going. Honestly, it really shouldn't be an issue I think, but it is because I do want to be sure that I am open to what God has for me.
The bottom line is that it bothers me that someone thinks I am being closed to something that God may or may not have for me at this moment.
Above all else, I want to follow God's lead - wherever that is. If that means staying where I am, I'll do that even though it is not my first choice. Ultimately, my heart wants to please Jesus and my greatest fear is that I am not doing that or going down the right path.
