I got an opportunity to talk with a friend of mine that has heard me verbal process through God's direction to the Peace Corps. She was actually the one that helped me when I was confused after my interview and being given options to choose between nomination places.
See, in my interview, I had said that the job I did was the most important, then place, and timing. When I was given the choice between being nominated for Nepal or Fiji...Fiji was the one that I liked the job more over Nepal, but I wanted to choose Nepal because it was a place I had been wanting to go for 8 years (as well as Russia, though I hadn't really talked about wanting to go to Nepal). Long story short, I felt at one time I was going to Nepal, but it was not God's timing. Russia is the country I have a heart for.
My friend walked me through a few questions that I don't really remember or the conclusion except that ultimately, I wanted to go to serve people and that I'd be happy wherever I was placed because I would be serving others. Just because I had a preference of place over the job at the time did not mean that I still would prefer place over the job. I don't know if that even made sense, but in essence - my friend helped me reconcile my confusion.
This time, she helped me to see that my past annoyances with people talking about how I was "marching to my own drumbeat" and "been wanting to do this for a long time". God has a calling on my life that is taking me to do things that do not seem normal for others. It is not necessarily because others do not see the hand of God directing my paths, but that it is not something they may be able to understand because God may not have called them to go. Again, I don't know if this makes sense, but once again I am more reconciled to it. However, I still DO plan on posting a status on Facebook to inform people that I am following God's will for my life and not my own.
I have gone through many seasons in my life. YWAM, I knew I was supposed to go. Afterwards? I knew God had told me to stay in KS despite my desire to go so I did. Time went on and I began to truly appreciate where I was in my life and thankful I was in KS. Not much later, I felt God release me to go. It BLEW my mind that it was finally time, but I went to Australia. I came back and took a year to myself. I was led to go back to school and finally complete my degree. Now? I'm being told to go again.
These past few years being back, God has been preparing me for such a time as this. This next stage of my life? All my love and overflowing preparation will be released and I can finally completely focus on my purpose in life - to love others!
I need to figure out why I cringe when I hear "You've wanted this a long time"...
I take that back, I DO know why...
I seem to have made it appear that this is something I wanted to do, which it is - but first and foremost I have wanted to do God's will. I talked about it because I felt it was the direction that He was leading, but it seems that either I didn't convey it that well or others focused on how I talked about the Peace Corps rather than how I said I felt it was where God was leading me.
I'm sure people don't think that I am going just because I want to. Well, maybe some do but the ones that understand seeking God's will hopefully know that I have searched for His will and am following His direction.
It bothers me because I don't want this opportunity to be seen as something I wanted to do. Yes, I wanted to do it, but this was after a heart change from God. If He had led me somewhere else -I would have gone THAT direction rather than the Peace Corps.
While I haven't posted on this blog in awhile due to my starting one on another site - I had planned on keeping this one so I could express more God things. It is times like these as well that I realize that having this is a good thing for the times I want to verbal process and no one is available.
I was talking with my boss this week and he mentioned something that I semi sort of agreed with, but was too in shock at the time to really wrap my head around it. Apparently, my mom once thought that she didn't know where I would end up until she realized that I marched to my own drumbeat. (She must have mentioned this to him while she was in the hospital.) My boss then proceeded to say I did things my own way, which I do agree with because really...who cares how it gets down as long as it gets done?!
I mentioned to a friend what my mom said about marching to my own drumbeat not too long ago and he agreed that I did. This is what gives me pause and why I semi sort agree with this statement. I am disturbed by it being said because with this whole Peace Corps thing - I have prayed and been seeking God in it. I did not just choose to do this and went for it. Heck, even after God had told me I was choosing the safe option of missions when I was leaning more towards that instead of the Peace Corps...I still had it in my mind that I was going to do missions!
I don't really know what to do about this, but I do know that next time someone says I march to my own drumbeat - I WILL make sure to state that I march to God's drumbeat for my life!
I met with a friend of mine this weekend about the Peace Corps. Essentially, she strongly recommended me NOT do it because I will more than likely not be supported much spiritually. This is an excellent point, however, one of the things that I have been looking forward to if I do end up joining is not having people around me to rely on - I will have to rely on Jesus. I do realise this has the potential to go dreadfully wrong, but as long as I am continually choosing to seek God in all I do...He is there. There is no place that I can go in any aspect of my life that He will not.
She also brought up some other points that I did not have an answer right then about or realised I had not thought through some concepts. How will doing the Peace Corps help me in my long term goals when I will more than likely not be working with people who have disabilities primarily? Why do I not get alongside a person I know who is doing what I want to do and see how they do it? Why do I not see again about joining the community in Ukraine?
This is where I will begin processing my thoughts on all of those because I'm sure many people are sick of my verbal processing so that either leaves talking to myself (which I'm totally cool with, but I have found I at least need a person there. They don't even need to fully be paying attention to me as long as there is an appearance) or journaling - hence writing on my blog!
After I felt God tell me to walk in the direction of the Peace Corps and I began doing so, I looked a little more into what it was and began to feel more comfortable with it as I looked at what I would gain from it and what it would mean.
-Leadership training. I feel like I could be comfortable in a role I am confident in my ability to do so, but if there are other people around, even if they are not as knowledgable about it and they want to take charge? I would more than likely still defer to them especially if there is a leaning towards them. Part of that may still be my self efficacy needing work, but I do feel like I am being led to more leadership roles and I would like more tools than I have at the moment.
-Myself. I will be it in the community. Yes, I will be working with other people and be living in community. However, I will be the one people look to do and assist with other things. There will be no one else to rely on to assist them with or do it for me. I will have to rely on Jesus.
-Language techniques and skills. I want to be fluent in another language. While I would REALLY like Russian, the Peace Corps would teach me skills and techniques in learning the particular language I needed to quickly and I can take those to learn Russian later if I end up not being in a Russian speaking country. I would also be immersed in that particular language to learn it faster and more efficiently.
-Living and working in another country. I have done this before and I loved it!
-All expenses paid and then some. My flight from my origin to training and the country is covered as well as my living expenses while there and my flight back. I will also receive money to live on to supplement while I try to find a job. Afterwards, if I decide to continue my education - they will contribute to it and depending on the college and program I attend, the college will match what they contribute.
I think all of these reasons, while they don't directly contribute to my long term goals, provide me with skills that will indirectly assist me with them. Now the question is why not just go straight into working with people who have disabilities in a group home setting again? Why not spend time with a person that I like what they are doing with the role I want to eventually have? Why not look at joining the community in Ukraine?
In regards to the first question, I don't know. While I want to do it and miss it heaps, I guess I am saying that I don't want to do that just yet. I can't even tell you why at the moment...actually, while I'm typing this out...here is almost the ideal situation that would be perfect and I'm not even sure that I would say yes to doing it if the opportunity came up. If mostly everything from the Peace Corps was combined with what I "should" or want to do - it would probably look like this.
-Working/learning alongside the founding live-in assistant in the Ukrainian community.
Maybe I would...I'm just not sure. I think my hesitancy stems from the length of time. Prior to thinking about doing missions, I considered working in the Lethbridge community and while I'd still like to experience living life there - I got hung up a little on how much time I should tell them that I would stay there when I hadn't even applied. Working/learning alongside the founding live-in assistant in the Ukrainian community still could be only 2 years...
This is why I don't question things...lol My brain is jumbled so I am going to take some time to dwell more on these new thoughts to see if I can come up with other reasons or explanations - just please, brain - NO MORE QUESTIONS!!! :)
