For the past couple weeks, I thought I had been doing better until I began talking about my friend's death and tears occurred. A couple days later, in class we talked briefly on what to do in student death and tears just kept coming. I set up appointments to talk with people, but it wasn't until I talked with my pastor that he was able to put words to what I have been feeling.
I have a tender heart and love people.
Since I have been in school and unable to work much - I have not been able to share my love for people through service (as that is primarily how I show others love).
My heart has been full for sometime and it has been frustrating for me with my constraints that I am unable to share my heart in service. This will change soon, but just knowing why I have been so emotional has helped very much.
This time in my life, I am in preparation. My full heart is anticipating when it can be released like a runner prepping for a race. :-D I can feel my spirit welling up within me as I type this! lol There will be a time when my race will start (not that it hasn't already, but a stage of my race rather) and when that signal goes off - I will be able to expel my heart and share the love of Christ that is in my heart for people!
I do think I will end up doing the Peace Corps. While I haven't received something I would call a definite yes...while talking with my pastor, I felt no hesitancy when he stated my doing the Peace Corps. My heart is still open to whatever He has for me if it ends up not being the direction He wants me to go, but in the meantime...I will more than likely be out of the States for 27 months!
I have a bunch of things that I should be doing, but I'm not. I'm listening to worship music and thinking/blogging in hopes of finally processing everything whirling around my head. Hopefully it will work 'cause I really do need to start my projects that are due next week.
I have a tender heart.
I have known this.
It is how I am affected when others around me are hurting. It is why I am unable to watch certain amounts of violence involving people hurting people. It is why I do not like doing actions/decisions that hurt others even when not doing/making them will hurt even more. It is why how constructive criticism is said to me matters - I take things close to my heart, regardless if they are directly related to me or not.
As I have gotten older, I have learned to not to take everything personally. Not that I did, but I am better at how I allow things to affect me. Things may still hurt, but I take them like a grain of salt and move on with life. At times, I take things that I want to ponder on some more and put them aside until I have the time to dwell on it. Sunday and today I have realized that there are quite a few things I have put to the side to ponder later and it has become a little full...
In no particular order...
My friend's death. I opted to catch up on sleep instead of going to the memorial service, which with my crying as I am talking about it - I think was a good choice for me. I have not been around the people that knew him well or directly talked with them and my heart is still aching. Can you imagine how my empathy would be if I were actually with them instead of seeing their thoughts on Facebook?!
At church, the speaker talked on how the person who led him to Christ died at a young age when they were both in the church pastoral ministry. He stated that he still did not understand why it was his friend and not himself. Now, I DO NOT have a death wish and I do know that I am a gem (at least, most days...lol). However, I take a look at my life and do not see how I have impacted people or shared my belief in Christ with others. I wonder why I am not the one gone when my friend was actually doing that.
Yes, I do know that Jesus has a plan for my life and that God had a plan for my friend and it may or may not have included him dying when he did. I'm sure that Jesus has used me to impact peoples' lives that I will never know. I guess what I am questioning is why he would go when he was actually sharing his belief in Christ and I'm not sure I have been. I say I have a heart for missions, but have not led anyone to Jesus with words. Who knows, maybe my servant's heart and letting Jesus flow through me while I am serving has, but I just don't know. I can start doing this, but in job settings and such - there is a line that you need to be careful of and am unsure how to not cross it...hence my feeling that I need to ponder this.
My "soothe the hurting world" complex. It hurts my heart that there are people hurting. Hearing about the devastation of the Philippines and the lives lost... My friend's baby who is in a coma from an interrupted SIDs...Someone from my church has a baby undergoing open heart surgery...Someone from my home group is going through cancer treatment... I have this desire to love on others and let them know they are not alone - and have no idea how to go about doing this.
Debt and money issues - I HATE being in debt. I am picking up hours and calling to work as I am able, but I have hardly made a dent in it despite watching how much I am spending on things not necessary. I have a few things coming up that I need to pay for as well in addition to my debt, which is becoming overwhelming if I dwell on it too much. I still feel like I am able to take care of it all, but I do not have much time to work/solve the problem now (not that it needs to be, but would be helpful) and it is frustrating. It also does not help when people express how much I need to do when I am already overwhelmed. I wish people would instead encourage and believe in me.
Peace Corps - I have come to the decision that I cannot make any decisions until I am told something differently from Jesus, which may not be communicated until May or June. I am ok with this...its just the dissidence that I have recently received, mostly involving my conversation with a friend last week that I have not taken the time to process yet, which is the next topic.
Relationships - This friend mentioned the time frame that I have not been interested in beginning a romantic relationship. Maybe I do not really have to think on it because I do not feel there has been one that occurred that I should have been open to, but he expressed concern that if it happened - I still would not be open to it. I don't know, I mean...I think I would be open to it, but at the same time maybe I wouldn't because of the direction it looks like my life is going. Honestly, it really shouldn't be an issue I think, but it is because I do want to be sure that I am open to what God has for me.
The bottom line is that it bothers me that someone thinks I am being closed to something that God may or may not have for me at this moment.
Above all else, I want to follow God's lead - wherever that is. If that means staying where I am, I'll do that even though it is not my first choice. Ultimately, my heart wants to please Jesus and my greatest fear is that I am not doing that or going down the right path.
Hello again,
I had planned on posting earlier, but it didn't happen.
This past week has been hard.
I had decided earlier on that I did not need to know all the answers as far as if it was a good idea for me to go without spiritual support. At this point, all I have been told is to walk in this direction - I don't have any other information. Until Jesus tells me something else as the months go on I will probably not know until the Peace Corps contacts me with either an invitation to join or with something stating they have nothing for me. The earliest I would know about an invitation is next May.
Not much longer after I had decided that, I caught up with a friend of mine I hadn't spoken to in a bit. Long story short, he expressed his concerns about the fact that I'm going places alone and for the length of time I have not been open to having a relationship. I understand where he is coming from again and just like before - it has given me more food for thought because I cannot explain why not other than I do not feel as if there have been guys in my life with 5 qualities that I have come to realize are very important to me. Even if someone did come into my life with those qualities, he's right - I'm still not sure I'd be open to something. Maybe I would, I don't know...ask me when it happens! lol
I haven't taken the time to see what the Lord says about this as well, but I will. A couple of days ago, a friend I was in a musical with last year died in a car accident. He had just turned 17 a month ago. I've been processing it. While I didn't know him all that well, I still knew him and know many others that were close to him. All I could think about for a bit was that he must have been so scared when he lost control of the car and crossed over the median to the other side of the highway. I couldn't look at the news much longer after I read it quickly to find out what occurred.
I feel bad, but I was thankful that I was not working in the ER when he came in. I mean, I probably still wouldn't have known who it was 'cause I don't typically go in when there is one and a random name and age is generated, but if someone had said his actual name? I don't think I would have gone into anger mode, but I don't know how I would have reacted to someone I know being in the trauma room - especially dying.
Last night, I was able to talk with a friend who mentioned a few more details I wasn't aware of. Apparently he was DOA, so he may have not even gone to the hospital. My friend pointed out to me that when you lose control of your car - your reaction is typically "oh shoot, let's get it back" so quite possibly he may not have been scared. This definitely made me feel better, but my heart still aches for the family and friends. I'm still sad even though we weren't close. I still want to go to the funeral and it looks like I will be able. ...I don't feel overwrought, but it still affects me. I have been avoiding going to more news stories, but on occasion I have looked at them and cried a little bit.
I think it is ok for me to feel sad and have it affect me even though I didn't know him all that well. No one has said necessarily that I should not, but I have felt questioned about my feelings when others in a similar situation to me has not affected them as much. I want to give the mom and girlfriend a hug. I want to hug the cast members of Footloose that I know who knew him more. Heck, I want a hug!
The bottom line, I think, is the fact that I hold people in my heart. When someone I know is hurting and know others that are hurting as well - my heart hurts for them too.
Pray for me, my friend's family, and all of his friends,
