I really don't have anything to post or update, but I've got some downtime during rehearsals and began thinking on things. Usually, this is dangerous for me to do because it typically results in becoming pretty down on myself - however this time it didn't for a change!
First of all, someone in the future Peace Corps group received their invitation for August recently so I really need to start disregarding what is being said on that count as it obviously varies! FSO was also mentioned and I hadn't heard of it before so I looked it up. Foreign Service Officer...
I wasn't able to get much information on what it meant beyond consuls, but it definitely seems interesting. It made me realize I really don't have much direction beyond possibly 2 years from now and how completely ok with it I am.
I'm still not out of debt and extra expenses are coming up soon. Yesterday I discovered something I appreciated, but wasn't sure about has probably no longer become viable...lol that's a weird way of putting it, but I honestly couldn't be happier about it!
So much of what is going on with my life should be stressing me out, but it's not. Thank You, Lord! I'm me and I'm good with it. Stephanie, when you read this later and if you're not feeling that - remember this time in rehearsal watching a bunch of talented kids and knowing God has made you how He wants you.
I hope everyone reading this knows how special you are - no matter how inadequate you feel around other people - y'all have things you can do that others cannot. Have a great day!
I forget sometimes how awkward I can get without even trying. Practice for a musical I'm in started today and after learning the guy who was going to play my husband was 20...my reason was well at least you're not jail bait! Luckily, he took it well but sometimes I may just not need to say anything.
I'm waiting to hear from the Peace Corps. Some from the Facebook group have begun saying four months out from your nomination date while others' timelines still show a month to a month and a half after pre clearance you receive contact from Placement.
Hope everyone had a great Christmas and is enjoying this holiday season! I will continue posting updates as I get them and wait. Yeah for my all As this semester and here's to another one, graduation, and no debt!
No recent posts due to focusing on finals and nothing really to update until now!
I recently joined the Future Peace Corps Volunteer group on Facebook. Someone posted that they had been invited to the country and sector at the same month and year as I have been nominated. There may be more positions available at that time...I just do not know. Also, the person mentioned they had submitted their application in April of this year...this makes me think that the process currently takes longer than one year and I possibly will not leave until 2015 if I receive an invitation.
:-D Just as I am typing this, I receive an e-mail!!! I AM FINALLY LEGALLY PRE-CLEARED!!! Someone else in the Placement Office sent me an e-mail about my credit card debt and what I needed to do if I still had it at the time of invitation. I sent them an e-mail letting them know that I would update them as I paid it off.
Now, hopefully soon I will receive a questionnaire involving the Health Sector. They will also apparently ask for updated information.
Previously, I have not wanted to read other peoples' blogs about their Peace Corps experience or look into it because I do not want to have expectations. When I went to Australia, I knew the basic job of what I was going to do, but that was it. I loved not having any preconceived notions, etc.
I still feel the same way, but since it seems like things have not been moving along until just recently - I did decide to look at others' processes to see what to expect. I have discovered how awesome it is to have people going along the same steps that you are as you set out towards a common purpose. As I can, I will probably (if I do end up going) read others' blogs about their experiences as they post them.
One thing I discovered is that a person was nominated for the Health Sector, but was then told that they were not competitive enough for the role. This gives me pause as I do not think I am eligible for anything else - however, I will have 2+ years experience in the health field and have 5 years working in group homes for people with disabilities. I think and hope that this experience will make me competitive!
For the past couple weeks, I thought I had been doing better until I began talking about my friend's death and tears occurred. A couple days later, in class we talked briefly on what to do in student death and tears just kept coming. I set up appointments to talk with people, but it wasn't until I talked with my pastor that he was able to put words to what I have been feeling.
I have a tender heart and love people.
Since I have been in school and unable to work much - I have not been able to share my love for people through service (as that is primarily how I show others love).
My heart has been full for sometime and it has been frustrating for me with my constraints that I am unable to share my heart in service. This will change soon, but just knowing why I have been so emotional has helped very much.
This time in my life, I am in preparation. My full heart is anticipating when it can be released like a runner prepping for a race. :-D I can feel my spirit welling up within me as I type this! lol There will be a time when my race will start (not that it hasn't already, but a stage of my race rather) and when that signal goes off - I will be able to expel my heart and share the love of Christ that is in my heart for people!
I do think I will end up doing the Peace Corps. While I haven't received something I would call a definite yes...while talking with my pastor, I felt no hesitancy when he stated my doing the Peace Corps. My heart is still open to whatever He has for me if it ends up not being the direction He wants me to go, but in the meantime...I will more than likely be out of the States for 27 months!
I have a bunch of things that I should be doing, but I'm not. I'm listening to worship music and thinking/blogging in hopes of finally processing everything whirling around my head. Hopefully it will work 'cause I really do need to start my projects that are due next week.
I have a tender heart.
I have known this.
It is how I am affected when others around me are hurting. It is why I am unable to watch certain amounts of violence involving people hurting people. It is why I do not like doing actions/decisions that hurt others even when not doing/making them will hurt even more. It is why how constructive criticism is said to me matters - I take things close to my heart, regardless if they are directly related to me or not.
As I have gotten older, I have learned to not to take everything personally. Not that I did, but I am better at how I allow things to affect me. Things may still hurt, but I take them like a grain of salt and move on with life. At times, I take things that I want to ponder on some more and put them aside until I have the time to dwell on it. Sunday and today I have realized that there are quite a few things I have put to the side to ponder later and it has become a little full...
In no particular order...
My friend's death. I opted to catch up on sleep instead of going to the memorial service, which with my crying as I am talking about it - I think was a good choice for me. I have not been around the people that knew him well or directly talked with them and my heart is still aching. Can you imagine how my empathy would be if I were actually with them instead of seeing their thoughts on Facebook?!
At church, the speaker talked on how the person who led him to Christ died at a young age when they were both in the church pastoral ministry. He stated that he still did not understand why it was his friend and not himself. Now, I DO NOT have a death wish and I do know that I am a gem (at least, most days...lol). However, I take a look at my life and do not see how I have impacted people or shared my belief in Christ with others. I wonder why I am not the one gone when my friend was actually doing that.
Yes, I do know that Jesus has a plan for my life and that God had a plan for my friend and it may or may not have included him dying when he did. I'm sure that Jesus has used me to impact peoples' lives that I will never know. I guess what I am questioning is why he would go when he was actually sharing his belief in Christ and I'm not sure I have been. I say I have a heart for missions, but have not led anyone to Jesus with words. Who knows, maybe my servant's heart and letting Jesus flow through me while I am serving has, but I just don't know. I can start doing this, but in job settings and such - there is a line that you need to be careful of and am unsure how to not cross it...hence my feeling that I need to ponder this.
My "soothe the hurting world" complex. It hurts my heart that there are people hurting. Hearing about the devastation of the Philippines and the lives lost... My friend's baby who is in a coma from an interrupted SIDs...Someone from my church has a baby undergoing open heart surgery...Someone from my home group is going through cancer treatment... I have this desire to love on others and let them know they are not alone - and have no idea how to go about doing this.
Debt and money issues - I HATE being in debt. I am picking up hours and calling to work as I am able, but I have hardly made a dent in it despite watching how much I am spending on things not necessary. I have a few things coming up that I need to pay for as well in addition to my debt, which is becoming overwhelming if I dwell on it too much. I still feel like I am able to take care of it all, but I do not have much time to work/solve the problem now (not that it needs to be, but would be helpful) and it is frustrating. It also does not help when people express how much I need to do when I am already overwhelmed. I wish people would instead encourage and believe in me.
Peace Corps - I have come to the decision that I cannot make any decisions until I am told something differently from Jesus, which may not be communicated until May or June. I am ok with this...its just the dissidence that I have recently received, mostly involving my conversation with a friend last week that I have not taken the time to process yet, which is the next topic.
Relationships - This friend mentioned the time frame that I have not been interested in beginning a romantic relationship. Maybe I do not really have to think on it because I do not feel there has been one that occurred that I should have been open to, but he expressed concern that if it happened - I still would not be open to it. I don't know, I mean...I think I would be open to it, but at the same time maybe I wouldn't because of the direction it looks like my life is going. Honestly, it really shouldn't be an issue I think, but it is because I do want to be sure that I am open to what God has for me.
The bottom line is that it bothers me that someone thinks I am being closed to something that God may or may not have for me at this moment.
Above all else, I want to follow God's lead - wherever that is. If that means staying where I am, I'll do that even though it is not my first choice. Ultimately, my heart wants to please Jesus and my greatest fear is that I am not doing that or going down the right path.
Hello again,
I had planned on posting earlier, but it didn't happen.
This past week has been hard.
I had decided earlier on that I did not need to know all the answers as far as if it was a good idea for me to go without spiritual support. At this point, all I have been told is to walk in this direction - I don't have any other information. Until Jesus tells me something else as the months go on I will probably not know until the Peace Corps contacts me with either an invitation to join or with something stating they have nothing for me. The earliest I would know about an invitation is next May.
Not much longer after I had decided that, I caught up with a friend of mine I hadn't spoken to in a bit. Long story short, he expressed his concerns about the fact that I'm going places alone and for the length of time I have not been open to having a relationship. I understand where he is coming from again and just like before - it has given me more food for thought because I cannot explain why not other than I do not feel as if there have been guys in my life with 5 qualities that I have come to realize are very important to me. Even if someone did come into my life with those qualities, he's right - I'm still not sure I'd be open to something. Maybe I would, I don't know...ask me when it happens! lol
I haven't taken the time to see what the Lord says about this as well, but I will. A couple of days ago, a friend I was in a musical with last year died in a car accident. He had just turned 17 a month ago. I've been processing it. While I didn't know him all that well, I still knew him and know many others that were close to him. All I could think about for a bit was that he must have been so scared when he lost control of the car and crossed over the median to the other side of the highway. I couldn't look at the news much longer after I read it quickly to find out what occurred.
I feel bad, but I was thankful that I was not working in the ER when he came in. I mean, I probably still wouldn't have known who it was 'cause I don't typically go in when there is one and a random name and age is generated, but if someone had said his actual name? I don't think I would have gone into anger mode, but I don't know how I would have reacted to someone I know being in the trauma room - especially dying.
Last night, I was able to talk with a friend who mentioned a few more details I wasn't aware of. Apparently he was DOA, so he may have not even gone to the hospital. My friend pointed out to me that when you lose control of your car - your reaction is typically "oh shoot, let's get it back" so quite possibly he may not have been scared. This definitely made me feel better, but my heart still aches for the family and friends. I'm still sad even though we weren't close. I still want to go to the funeral and it looks like I will be able. ...I don't feel overwrought, but it still affects me. I have been avoiding going to more news stories, but on occasion I have looked at them and cried a little bit.
I think it is ok for me to feel sad and have it affect me even though I didn't know him all that well. No one has said necessarily that I should not, but I have felt questioned about my feelings when others in a similar situation to me has not affected them as much. I want to give the mom and girlfriend a hug. I want to hug the cast members of Footloose that I know who knew him more. Heck, I want a hug!
The bottom line, I think, is the fact that I hold people in my heart. When someone I know is hurting and know others that are hurting as well - my heart hurts for them too.
Pray for me, my friend's family, and all of his friends,
I met with a friend of mine this weekend about the Peace Corps. Essentially, she strongly recommended me NOT do it because I will more than likely not be supported much spiritually. This is an excellent point, however, one of the things that I have been looking forward to if I do end up joining is not having people around me to rely on - I will have to rely on Jesus. I do realise this has the potential to go dreadfully wrong, but as long as I am continually choosing to seek God in all I do...He is there. There is no place that I can go in any aspect of my life that He will not.
She also brought up some other points that I did not have an answer right then about or realised I had not thought through some concepts. How will doing the Peace Corps help me in my long term goals when I will more than likely not be working with people who have disabilities primarily? Why do I not get alongside a person I know who is doing what I want to do and see how they do it? Why do I not see again about joining the community in Ukraine?
This is where I will begin processing my thoughts on all of those because I'm sure many people are sick of my verbal processing so that either leaves talking to myself (which I'm totally cool with, but I have found I at least need a person there. They don't even need to fully be paying attention to me as long as there is an appearance) or journaling - hence writing on my blog!
After I felt God tell me to walk in the direction of the Peace Corps and I began doing so, I looked a little more into what it was and began to feel more comfortable with it as I looked at what I would gain from it and what it would mean.
-Leadership training. I feel like I could be comfortable in a role I am confident in my ability to do so, but if there are other people around, even if they are not as knowledgable about it and they want to take charge? I would more than likely still defer to them especially if there is a leaning towards them. Part of that may still be my self efficacy needing work, but I do feel like I am being led to more leadership roles and I would like more tools than I have at the moment.
-Myself. I will be it in the community. Yes, I will be working with other people and be living in community. However, I will be the one people look to do and assist with other things. There will be no one else to rely on to assist them with or do it for me. I will have to rely on Jesus.
-Language techniques and skills. I want to be fluent in another language. While I would REALLY like Russian, the Peace Corps would teach me skills and techniques in learning the particular language I needed to quickly and I can take those to learn Russian later if I end up not being in a Russian speaking country. I would also be immersed in that particular language to learn it faster and more efficiently.
-Living and working in another country. I have done this before and I loved it!
-All expenses paid and then some. My flight from my origin to training and the country is covered as well as my living expenses while there and my flight back. I will also receive money to live on to supplement while I try to find a job. Afterwards, if I decide to continue my education - they will contribute to it and depending on the college and program I attend, the college will match what they contribute.
I think all of these reasons, while they don't directly contribute to my long term goals, provide me with skills that will indirectly assist me with them. Now the question is why not just go straight into working with people who have disabilities in a group home setting again? Why not spend time with a person that I like what they are doing with the role I want to eventually have? Why not look at joining the community in Ukraine?
In regards to the first question, I don't know. While I want to do it and miss it heaps, I guess I am saying that I don't want to do that just yet. I can't even tell you why at the moment...actually, while I'm typing this out...here is almost the ideal situation that would be perfect and I'm not even sure that I would say yes to doing it if the opportunity came up. If mostly everything from the Peace Corps was combined with what I "should" or want to do - it would probably look like this.
-Working/learning alongside the founding live-in assistant in the Ukrainian community.
Maybe I would...I'm just not sure. I think my hesitancy stems from the length of time. Prior to thinking about doing missions, I considered working in the Lethbridge community and while I'd still like to experience living life there - I got hung up a little on how much time I should tell them that I would stay there when I hadn't even applied. Working/learning alongside the founding live-in assistant in the Ukrainian community still could be only 2 years...
This is why I don't question things...lol My brain is jumbled so I am going to take some time to dwell more on these new thoughts to see if I can come up with other reasons or explanations - just please, brain - NO MORE QUESTIONS!!! :)
I realised after posting previously that I haven't updated going from nursing to my other degree I am working towards now. Again, long story short - my GPA is not the greatest so the couple times I have applied I have been denied. I talked with a college counselor and he pointed me in the direction of this major so I decided to go ahead and get my bachelor's degree in something else and then possibly go on from there.
I had my Peace Corps interview today!!! It went so well apparently, she told me that I would be nominated to join. Now, I am going to be sent things to have my background checked and ensure that my health is good. Then Placement will call and talk with me about different things available and I should eventually receive an invitation!!! :-D
I'm excited and scared at the same time. I mean, its scary that I have passed everything and now unless there are no positions out there...I'm pretty much in...scary thought, eh?
Hello, from ages ago.
One of these days, I'll be better at blogging more often but obviously that hasn't quite happened yet. I went back to school to finish my degree even though what I want to do doesn't require one. I wish I had discovered this degree awhile ago because it involves everything I'm interested in and more, but definitely wouldn't change my experiences for anything.
After I graduate, long story short I've applied to the Peace Corps. My interview is soon so I'll have an idea how competitive my application is compared to others. I would be gone for 27 months and picking where I go isn't an option. However, you can give your preferences and for me of course, that would be any Russian speaking country. If this is where God ends up leading me, no matter where I go - I will at least have the tools for me to learn Russian quickly afterwards.
I'm visiting one of my best friends in her new community of the international organization where we met. It's been awesome and I can't wait to go back into it at some point in my life. However, I've noticed that I have all sorts of ideas that I'd like to do and not sure how those are going to play out so stay tuned every so often and see if I've updated more than once a year! Lol
Have a great day!
