I had planned on posting earlier, but it didn't happen.
This past week has been hard.
I had decided earlier on that I did not need to know all the answers as far as if it was a good idea for me to go without spiritual support. At this point, all I have been told is to walk in this direction - I don't have any other information. Until Jesus tells me something else as the months go on I will probably not know until the Peace Corps contacts me with either an invitation to join or with something stating they have nothing for me. The earliest I would know about an invitation is next May.
Not much longer after I had decided that, I caught up with a friend of mine I hadn't spoken to in a bit. Long story short, he expressed his concerns about the fact that I'm going places alone and for the length of time I have not been open to having a relationship. I understand where he is coming from again and just like before - it has given me more food for thought because I cannot explain why not other than I do not feel as if there have been guys in my life with 5 qualities that I have come to realize are very important to me. Even if someone did come into my life with those qualities, he's right - I'm still not sure I'd be open to something. Maybe I would, I don't know...ask me when it happens! lol
I haven't taken the time to see what the Lord says about this as well, but I will. A couple of days ago, a friend I was in a musical with last year died in a car accident. He had just turned 17 a month ago. I've been processing it. While I didn't know him all that well, I still knew him and know many others that were close to him. All I could think about for a bit was that he must have been so scared when he lost control of the car and crossed over the median to the other side of the highway. I couldn't look at the news much longer after I read it quickly to find out what occurred.
I feel bad, but I was thankful that I was not working in the ER when he came in. I mean, I probably still wouldn't have known who it was 'cause I don't typically go in when there is one and a random name and age is generated, but if someone had said his actual name? I don't think I would have gone into anger mode, but I don't know how I would have reacted to someone I know being in the trauma room - especially dying.
Last night, I was able to talk with a friend who mentioned a few more details I wasn't aware of. Apparently he was DOA, so he may have not even gone to the hospital. My friend pointed out to me that when you lose control of your car - your reaction is typically "oh shoot, let's get it back" so quite possibly he may not have been scared. This definitely made me feel better, but my heart still aches for the family and friends. I'm still sad even though we weren't close. I still want to go to the funeral and it looks like I will be able. ...I don't feel overwrought, but it still affects me. I have been avoiding going to more news stories, but on occasion I have looked at them and cried a little bit.
I think it is ok for me to feel sad and have it affect me even though I didn't know him all that well. No one has said necessarily that I should not, but I have felt questioned about my feelings when others in a similar situation to me has not affected them as much. I want to give the mom and girlfriend a hug. I want to hug the cast members of Footloose that I know who knew him more. Heck, I want a hug!
The bottom line, I think, is the fact that I hold people in my heart. When someone I know is hurting and know others that are hurting as well - my heart hurts for them too.
Pray for me, my friend's family, and all of his friends,
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